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May, 2001

Are there any Dads out there who have had experience in the frustrating quest to give good criteria to their teenage daughters on the subject of style in choosing clothes? My answer to the problem has been to say the least, unorthodox. It requires a strong stomach, lots of patience and in some cases, some real cash. I'm talking about…… Shopping with Dad. Yikes!!

Father Knows Best

First let me suggest some notions that may seem controversial but I have found to be true.

Women including mothers do not really understand male sexuality. Since women do not have the same visual stimulation problem men do, they have no appreciation for the way in which immodest dress can create a problem for a man, especially the teenage variety. The best teachers on this issue are fathers. They have the unique vantage point of being men, after all, combined with an intense love of their daughters which translates into a desire to protect them, even from themselves. Most girls and women dress to look attractive, or cute, but give little thought to the effects their choices have on the men around them, however they are not entirely ignorant.

Take the case of my oldest daughter. When she started attending the local parochial high school as a freshman she found out quickly that in order to be anything in the other girls' eyes, she had to wear her uniform skirt short, real short. She told me in no uncertain terms that my insistence that her skirt come to her knees was ruining her life. She even cried. She almost had me agreeing with her. Finally I said, "Look kiddo, women's thighs turn men on." She turned to me after a second and said through the sobs, " I know." That was the end of the problem.

The second controversial point is that most clothing today is not intended to make girls look elegant, it is made to sell. If cheap or sexy sells, so be it. There are two different problems here. The first is that most popular clothing is immodest. The second is that most of it is not elegant either. It's very important to keep these two ideas separate because the goal is not just to get your daughter to dress modestly, it is to give them criteria to pick clothes that speak positively about their femininity, ie. elegance.

Modesty in clothing does not mean that a girl is best dressed when she looks formless. She should not be trying to hide herself nor suggest something she doesn't intend. There is obviously a fine line here and different people can have somewhat different interpretations. Obviously any clothing that is too tight or reveals too much is suggestive.

It is important though, for fathers not to stop there. A lot of clothing that is modest can look terrible for two other reasons. The clothing can be out of style, cheap looking or make the wearer look cheap. A tremendous amount of teen's and women's clothing is simply tasteless.

The Mission – Finding The Dress

My answer to all these problems has been to take my daughters shopping when they need clothes, particularly dresses for parties and dances. It's a great chance to bond with them and also to give good criteria on choosing their fashions. As I am mission oriented, I usually go with a particular item in mind to be purchased though many times it has turned into a mini "spree" if we found other articles that were appropriate. Sometimes we combined it with a night out including dinner or a snack; a date with Dad. Most girls love the attention, and they like it when Dad shows his love with what are some times, "sacrificial" purchases. We come home and then it is "fashion show" time where my daughter gets to put on her new clothes and be admired by Mom and the rest of the children. This increases her acceptance of her new clothes and gives the others criteria at the same time.

In order for the evening to be a success, some planning may be necessary. First, you may have to brush up on women's fashion. I was raised by parents that taught me in some mysterious way to understand what looks good on people. I also sold clothing in high school and learned a lot from that job about style and fashion. Probably most men did not have these experiences, and the idea of walking into a women's store or department is about as appealing as speaking in front of a thousand people on a subject you are completely ignorant of. Here are some suggestions for preparing yourself.

First, if your wife is very fashionable, have her explain some of the rules to you. Take her out shopping for teenage clothes and have her explain her criteria. This will also give you a chance to discuss the topic so that you are both on the same page. Second, go to the shops in your area that sell fine clothing and look at their selection. Discard in your mind any clothes that are made for professional women or clothes that would look good on an older woman. These will not be suitable, no pun intended. Ask the salesperson to explain to you some of her criteria but remember, they may have poor criteria themselves and they are not paid to advise as much as to sell. Start identifying stores that carry dresses or other articles of clothing that you think combine modesty and style. These are the stores you will steer your daughter to. I have found from personal experience that many times, the stores that have really elegant clothing, are quite expensive. I have also found that the sacrifice, even if it meant tightening the budget in other areas was worth it. Let's face it, what is it worth to you to have your daughter dress like the princess she is?

You can also shop the discount stores that carry brand name clothing such as TJ Maxx and other such establishments. This requires a lot of picking through junk. However if you are on a tight budget the time is worth it. Your daughter will see the disdain on your face as you ignore tasteless items looking for something worthy of her.

I have found these times to be some of the most rewarding I have spent with my daughters. I won't kid you, they can be trying at times too. Bring a handkerchief along for the occasional tears. In the end you will find something, I'm sure, that lights up her eyes both for a particular choice and for a father who cares to show her daughter how much he loves her.

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