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May, 2001
Dads Plus
Dennis Helming
10 Facts of Life for Near-Teen Boys
Got the willies about spilling the beans to your son as he nears puberty? Here are some crucial facts which you should convey. How these are developed and communicated is best left to those most familiar with the near-teen: you, the boy's father (or other educators). Each italicized fact is linked to explanations that dads and teachers may wish to incorporate. Don't cover these facts in one sitting; rather space them out. That's best determined again by those acquainted with the boy.
- With puberty come many changes, challenges, pleasures; forewarned is forearmed.
- If men don't conquer their sexual drive, it will drive them.
- Romance eclipses lust but only temporarily.
- Love is hard work.
- Marriage is no green light but a flashing amber with respect to sexual indulgence.
- Check and counterbalance sexual passion with lots of other engrossing passions.
- Reserve sex for marriage and procreation, as intended by nature.
- Compromises with lust don't succeed.
- When dating or socializing, set limits and be up front about them.
- If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
The goal is high, even heroic. No one should be surprised at temptations and even tugs to toss in the towel. Let them begin over and over again in the quest to be supremely happy and so to make others. What adolescents should never do is to rape reason with such excuses as "I can't"; "there's no harm done"; "I'm entitled to my kicks"; "it's working for me, at least eventually." Let them be sensible and reflective enough to let sexual pleasure whet the appetite for real, enduring bliss.
How does religion fit in? Unconverted, selfish sexual pleasure is the big tease that deceives. How this shortfall is construed is no little matter. Blaming it on adverse circumstances while betting everything on "next time" could very well be the pinnacle of immaturity and dishonesty. Those, however, who include masturbation and fornication under the Ten Commandments' ban of adultery (6th and 9th) are certainly justified. But misdeeds aren't wrong just because God so brands them as sins, but vice versa. Wouldn't a Father-God thus authoritatively seek to steer his beloved children away from clinging to this Big Lie? So long as it's not repudiated, there can be no deliverance, certainly here, nor probably hereafter.
Talk to Dennis Helming on his forum
Dennis Helming is the author of "The Examined Life" which can be ordered directly from Spence Publishing
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1. With puberty come many changes, challenges, pleasures; forewarned is forearmed. Between the ages of 11 and 15 a boy's body spurts up, etc. Stress this age range, especially if the boy is likely to enter puberty late. A sooner or later onset, strictly genetically determined, does not signal subsequent development. One of the hairiest men known to the author tells of his locker room agonies as a freshman in high school. Only later in the year did he begin to sprout, and then none too fast. As he experienced, taunting classmates can be downright cruel. Tardy or diminished sexual endowments are two of homosexuality's tributaries. Head these worries off at the pass. Also insist that the greater or less presence of secondary sexual characteristics (chest hair, penis size, beard, etc.) is genetically inherited and does not determine degree of masculinity.
Explain masturbation and why it stunts moral growth. Also wet dreams and why they are morally neutral. The sexual process and especially ejaculation are very intensely pleasurable, the body's highest gratification. In fact, its breathtaking, heart-throbbing onrush is the closest thing to ecstasy our body offers. Freud says this mother of all delights easily becomes addictive; others derive from it.
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2. If men don't conquer their sexual drive, it will drive them. How they relate to this huge pleasure either builds or shrinks their character and fulfillment. Also in the balance is the ability to be successful, loving husbands and fathers. Males can get passionately aroused so quickly and the pleasure can be so insistent and strong that stopping the bodily drive can be almost impossible (worst case: rape). Many men view sexual thrills as a harmless game, provided no harm is done to others. They find chastity not only ridiculous, but impossible. They kid themselves by feeding their unacknowledged hunger for deeper and lasting bliss, fleeting and soon spent sexual pleasures.
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3. Romance eclipses lust but only temporarily. But isn't recreational sex just a phase? Or, if not, won't finding Miss Right cure it? Yes, a good wife and marriage can be a big help. Bad old lust, however, will return. Then the prospect of infidelity and divorce becomes more real. What all those romantic feelings are meant to show is how true love is supposed to manifest itself. Under their sway one acts as though in love. Only with their waning is the deck cleared to begin to generate the same kind, loving deeds, but this time much more deliberately and willingly.
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4. Love is hard work. Love is a voluntary, virtuous, disinterested gift of self in ways that truly benefit the beloved. Two prerequisites: First, recognize how little they truly own themselves. And then, reclaim themselves.
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5. Marriage is no green light but a flashing amber with respect to sexual indulgence. Husbands must struggle to put their wives' welfare and pleasure before their own. Otherwise they may unawares be exploiting their mates. Thanks to the husband's kindness, consideration and frequent tokens of affection, his wife should know herself truly loved and thus relaxed enough to welcome marital intimacy.
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6. Check and counterbalance sexual passion with lots of other engrossing passions. Lavish time, attention and love on hobbies, family, studies, books, friendships, sports, athletic, artistic and musical talents.…Most of these are acquired tastes and are subject to the invariable learning curve. The derived satisfaction and pleasure are usually more subtle, though cumulative. They're also longer lasting, deeper, more beautiful. Leonardo da Vinci wrote, "Intellectual passion drives out sensuality."
Nature abhors a vacuum. Unless we engage in ever nobler pursuits and feed on their rewards, human nature avenges itself, dragging us down to the proverbial gutter. It's only when lust is finally strangled that man reaches his full heritage. What powers of concentration, what depths of sustained energy, what veins of enterprising boldness are released when man sublimates and harnesses his sexual energy to ambitious goals.
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7. Reserve sex for marriage and procreation, as intended by nature. Adolescents should see the years preceding wedlock as an apprenticeship in the self-dominion that makes loving self-giving possible. That spells the need for chastity and minimizing sexual stimuli. Those who commit themselves find that chastity isn't such an unmanageable burden. Even so, it's likely that, out of weakness or inexperience, even the committed may give in to indulging themselves. Let them learn from their mistakes which circumstances or situations prey on their weakness and when to bolt.
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8. Compromises with lust don't succeed. In the highly excitable male world there are no such things as harmless peeks or innocent nibbles. Young men should exclude any hesitation or ambiguity. Anything less doesn't work. A glance at pornography may not then and there trigger sexual self-indulgence, but provocative images stay around till needed.
So weak but wise males courageously flee anything that undermines their fragile self-control. There are ways to do so naturally and discreetly. Shun porn; ads or commercials displaying skin; racy scenes in novels, movies, TV; song lyrics that get the blood racing; smutty jokes or conversations….
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9. When dating or socializing, set limits and be up front about them. It's not a question of how far men can go with the opposite sex. It's a question of how much hard-won self-control they're willing to throw overboard for an exaggerated fling. Married men commit themselves to give up all women in the world save one. So long as unmarried, others should commit themselves to exclude even that one. Here's a line for young men: "I plan on saving myself 'til marriage. I'm a virgin and hope to remain that way until I get married with, I hope, another virgin. Now, I'm so weak it doesn't take very much provocation or time to get me going. So, let's not even start." Convey ground rules early. Those who wait "just to see what happens," often get caught with their pants down. The wise boy beats a hasty retreat before getting fully aroused. That means no prolonged or passionate kissing, no French kissing, no petting, no freaking, no grinding or any form of provocative dancing. Group dating is best.
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10. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Much, practically everything is at stake, as said above. It's much harder today to pull off a successful marriage. Society is awash in sexual stimuli and obsessions. The span between puberty and marriage is lengthening. Women have largely grown impatient with braking male lust. If men don't work at being chaste, undomesticated, adolescent, "gimme" lust will rule the roost.
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