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October, 2001

The parents of teenagers hear much about freedom from their children. In short they want more of it. Since freedom is a good thing, we parents are usually sympathetic with our kids' wishes and we struggle with the balancing act of granting them more privileges while not abdicating our responsibility to restrict their activities to those that are appropriate for their age and maturity. In sorting out this issue, it may be helpful to consider the true meaning of freedom and its implication for parents and their children.

Freedom means different things to different people. And the term is frequently used interchangeably with "free will". Freedom certainly doesn't mean, "doing whatever you want to do", as many people might believe. It's certainly not license as my 16-year-old son suggested at the dinner table recently. Of course, he was referring to the driver's license, which he so desperately wants. Freedom is having one's driver's license! If only life were so simple.

Freedom involves restrictions before and after the act of freedom. The challenge facing us as parents is instilling in our children a willingness to accept the restrictions which accompany their good judgements. As Christians, we freely accept the restrictions of the moral law. And anyone who has been around long enough to have few gray hairs on his head knows that the moral law of God, as articulated in the Ten Commandments, is a truly liberating law that has been given to us by a loving Father. There are far too many examples of the devastation wrought in the lives of those who ignore God's moral law.

Cormac Burke, in a recent article on freedom, poses the question, "is a person less free because he accepts restrictions?" The answer, of course, is no. And he uses the example of a person who wishes to drive from one place to another, accepting the restrictions associated with using a highway. For example, when we are driving to Chicago, we don't feel that restricting our travel to the highway limits our freedom. Rather, we feel that our freedom is enhanced by it. In fact, if we were to leave the highway, the small roads that we would be forced to use would impair our freedom. We might even get stuck in a muddy field.

A friend of mine once suggested to me that following the moral law is like following the instructions in the manufacturer's owners manual for a piece of machinery. If you don't follow the instructions in the manual, the machinery will probably not work properly and it will eventually break down.

So we can think of the moral law as the manufacturer's instruction manual. God gave it to us so we would work the way we are intended to work. Failure to follow the manual will eventually lead to malfunction.

As parents, we have a serious obligation to place restrictions on our children's activities. This is an act of love on our part. We want to protect them from harm and teach them that, as adults, they will be placing similar restrictions on themselves.

Why do children need their parents to provide them with rules and guidelines and even restrictions?--because children lack the judgement, maturity, and confidence to make wise decisions in many cases. As they acquire greater judgement, maturity and confidence, parents can responsibly rely on their children to employ their own free will to restrict their activities.

It is important that our kids understand that restrictions are not due to a lack of trust. We trust their integrity implicitly. We are certain that they would not intentionally do something wrong or violate our trust. Our concern is with their judgement and their ability to extract themselves from an unhealthy situation. We should tell them that this is not meant to be an insult. Tell them, "We think you are a fantastic kid. But, you are just 15 years old and you have the judgement and maturity of a 15 year-old. We are happy about that. You are right where you should be". We should make it clear to them that the privileges they now enjoy are due to the trust we place in them.

This is why we parents don't allow our kids to attend co-ed sleep-overs, or watch certain TV shows or movies, or read certain books, or hang out with unsavory people, or stay out past their appointed curfew. These things can be occasions of sin for our kids. And far from limiting their freedom, these restrictions serve to keep them free from the slavery of sin. And with the proper formation and judgment, they will some day choose to avoid these things themselves.

Steve Gabriel is the author of "Speaking to the Heart: A Father's Guide to Growth in Virtue"
which can be ordered directly from Our Sunday Visitor.

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