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October, 2001

Do I intercept the boy at the door with a stern tete-a-tete before letting him date my daughter for the first time? Or is it better for me to say nothing, trusting in all she's seen and absorbed on the home and church fronts, trusting in her good judgment?

Yes, Dads, let's pull our heads out of the sand and together confront another variation on the old lenient-strict dilemma. Of course, I'm assuming in your neck of the woods that high schoolers still date instead of just hanging out or, heaven forbid, just hooking up….

So much depends on character, temperament, personality, background, peer pressures, upbringing, education—the works. To do the subject justice, there's probably enough advice and different approaches to fill a book or two. Moreover, no size fits all.

Let's for now put aside what to tell our sons as the teen years approach (partly because the topic of "Ten Facts of Life for the Near-Teen Boy” was covered recently in this column). We should also have covered dating's do's and don't's with our daughters before the doorbell rings—and let No. 1 be: "Do not let him touch you anywhere any time.”

Would it be helpful for the boy to be acquainted with dad's expectations? Probably. It helps weak backbones do the right thing by clueing them in on standards and limits.

In any case following are some approaches (some a bit intimidating perhaps) readers have sent in.

Philip Soto Jr.: "My twin daughters are now happily married, each with kids underfoot. But back then I greeted boys at the door with a speech: 'Even though there are no commitments here, I expect you to defend this girl with your life. Do not put her in danger. Abide by the rules. If I have to, I'll come looking for you.'”

Wayne Brown: "First I invited every Tom, Dick and Harry to a family dinner. Then alone I'd ask each some basic questions, such as where, when, with whom, his driving record, his grade-point average, whether a Boy Scout, whether a virgin, could he afford to take my daughter to nice places. And last but not least, what did the word No mean to him?”

Charlie Phillips: "I was on hand when the dates rang the doorbell. More or less I'd say: 'Next to her mom, she is the most precious thing on earth to me. If you want to take her out, you have to agree to treat her as I would treat her. I would not speed, and I would not drink and drive. And you have to bring her back to me just exactly as you found her.'”

(I hope by raising this topic to be deluged with e-mails on your hits and misses, so we can keep the dialogue on this important subject going.)

Dennis Helming is the author of "The Examined Life" which can be ordered directly from Spence Publishing

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