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November, 2001

Over the next months, I'll make my contribution to the new millenium by suggesting nine possible ways to rejuvenate and reinvent fatherhood.

Before doing so, however, let me anticipate a warranted objection from any readers who wonder whether I'll also reinvent mom. No, for two simple reasons. I am not alone in opining that there's little to reinvent on that front. And even if there were, most wives and mothers, be they current or future, are not about to cede any redesign to a mere male of the species. Mom merely has to be motivated via her husband's unconditional love to discharge her customarily self-sacrificing role to make both hubby and children shine.

And what have women been doing for centuries with too little recognition? They have cooked the meals, done the laundry, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, painted the bathrooms, sewed curtains and clothes, assisted with homework, done the marketing, helped at school functions, coordinated the kids' parties, shopped for Christmas and birthday gifts, done the banking and bill paying, decorated homes, weeded the garden, took care of the family pets, handled repairs, nursed the sick, soothed hurt feelings, chauffeured the kids to sports, dance classes and music lessons, provided all or part of the family income—and also changed diapers. All this after carrying the baby for nine months and then giving birth, which is not exactly a day at the beach.

So, here we go...

1. Lavish love on your wife. One of the best and highest gifts you can give your children is for them to see how much and how persistently you love and serve your spouse. You must keep very much alive by dint of virtue and will power all those things—gifts, considerations, services, surprises, displays of affection—that came so easily during courtship, on the honeymoon and in the early days of marriage. Now that most of the emotional facilities and incentives to woo her have diminished and even disappeared, much more deliberate and voluntary virtue must take over to generate the same pitch of romance, if not greater. Don't be surprised that the bubbly feelings are gone; that's the way things happen. Don't even be surprised if negative feelings have replaced positive. In fact, if you're wise, you should be learning to rise virtuously above your instinctive likes and dislikes.

Give your wife your undivided attention. Anticipate her needs and even whims. Linger over that second and even third cup of coffee. Sympathize, sympathize, sympathize: women more need understanding than expert male problem-solving. Lighten her burdens, preferably behind her back. Surprise her with little notes, phone calls, a bouquet of the first dandelions of the season....Compliment her on her appearance, that new perfume or hair-do, that new furniture arrangement, that extra-good meal. Be very courteous and refined, especially in your speech, but also in your dress and grooming. Waste time alone together. Meet her more than halfway in doing those things women so much prize and that we men couldn't care less about. For example, putting down that toilet lid.

If your children see how much you respect and revere your wife, how grateful you are for all her many thankless household and child-rearing chores, how attentive and accommodating you are to all her moods and tiredness, how you value her opinion, how graciously you overlook her defects and digs, how considerately you back her up, then nine-tenths of the problems involved in raising kids will take care of themselves. They'll not only learn how to esteem their mom, but will also get unmistakable whiffs of what unconditional love is all about. And that's an invaluable lesson, for now and later.

Dennis Helming is the author of "The Examined Life" which can be ordered directly from Spence Publishing

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