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August, 2002
Dad's Plus
Dennis Helming
Reinventing Dad (Part 5)
Good reasons - not good behavior
Dad especially should be
attuned to the
danger of kids doing right things for wrong reasons. Such inadequate reasons as: “Because I said so” or “that’s the way we do things around here, kiddo” or “tough, that’s life” or “what will the neighbors think?” and hundreds more of the same ilk. External compliance, especially in non-essentials, is not the goal, especially as the children grow older and admit of reasonable appeals to their “better angels.” So, explain, explain, explain, going as deep as you both can, again as privately as possible. It may seem a lot simpler and easier just to bark, but here too a stitch in time saves nine headaches and heartaches.
Help them to see that their unthinking actions and omissions have
consequences that impinge on others no less than on themselves, not to mention family finances. Help them to see how easily we all can be ambushed and deflected by pleasures, fears, selfishness and unthinkingness. Consequently curbing these self-defeating tendencies is the task of the basic cardinal virtues. Striving to acquire these good habits is therefore in their own best interests: something they above all owe themselves. Virtuous, good behavior should never be authoritatively imposed from without nor seem merely the onerous price for domestic tranquillity.
Dennis Helming is the author of "The Examined Life" which can be ordered directly from Spence Publishing
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